November 21, 2015

I am letting you go

One day, I will definitely reopen this post and feel the stab of sadness in my heart, but I guess that's what the chocolates are for right? (Right- in harmony)

I just lost someone who means everything to me on October 25th, 2015. It happened so fast I felt like I was dreaming. I received the call at 3.30am in the morning, saying that my grandma has passed away. I didn't know what to do, nor what to say. I am now sure that I have delayed grief, in which my reaction to a significant lost was postponed for a while. (Oh well, I think my brain doesn't develop well in the 'sadness-department')

I flew back to my hometown, Palembang, on the same day. I need to mention that the weather condition was very-very-very bad at that time. You've heard about the haze? Yap, it was that particular time when the haze would welcome me home. Most of the flights were delayed, even canceled, during the previous weeks. I was not in my best optimist mood- I thought I couldn't make it to the funeral. When the airport announced that my flight was delayed for 15 to 30 minutes, I spontaneously prayed to god, saying that I am okay with it as long as He gives no obstacle for my grandma's funeral. I forgot that I might be included in that obstacle, so He granted my wish and let me go home with only 15 minutes delayed.

The moment I sat in my passenger seat, I finally realized. D*mn, I've lost my grandma! She won't welcome me home anymore. She won't ask me to make her what she thought as the best fettuccine in town anymore. She won't call me just to ask how are things going on with me anymore. She won't tell me to stop using hairdryer anymore. And how does it make me feel? So terribly sad I couldn't describe it.

I thought I'd have a mental breakdown. I thought I'd pass out. But guess what? The moment I opened the ambulance door, I saw my mom, so vulnerable, so... miserable. Man, I've never seen her so sad like that. So, like a big girl I am, I held my tears back and told her that everything is going to be okay. Is it? I have no idea! I thought it was the most appropriate thing to say. Then I saw my grandma, there, covered with that white fabric- and you know what I felt? I was so happy. Sincerely happy. I remembered everything we've done together, and I realized that she was so happy too. She got nothing to worry about. She's done. Satisfied. She is going to rest in a fully peace mode. Should I be sad about that? No.

So then I sent her to her last bed, watched her being buried- close to the love of her life a.k.a my grandpop. I whispered my prayers for her, wishing that she'll get the best place in heaven, telling her how much I love her and... letting her go.

You know what's the hardest thing of losing someone? Yap... it's to let her go.

No comments:

Post a Comment